Caregiver Confessions: Recalibration Required

Some people will tell me that I’ll live to regret it and I’m going to miss these days when they’re gone.

I won’t regret it. I will miss them. And I’ll be fine.

As someone who helps women recalibrate through life's transitions, I know recalibration becomes necessary whenever life changes in a way that requires us to rethink how we live, who we are, or how we move through the world.

The Shift

Caregiving is one of those transitions.

It shifts so many aspects of your life, and it's difficult to prepare for because it often arrives without warning.

For me and my mother, it began with what was supposed to be a family visit.

We went to see my aunt—my mother's sister-in-law—and saw the deplorable condition she was living in.

It was tragic.

More recently, my mother's driving privileges were revoked after she passed out in our kitchen. While her doctors work to determine the cause, we wait to see whether a new medication stops what they believe may be small seizures.

Transition.

Recalibration required.

Recently, I read a post that said caring for an aging parent should be considered a blessing, not a burden.

And my first thought was... really?

It's Both

I care for my 80-year-old mother and together we care for her 86-year-old sister-in-law.

And yes, it is a blessing.

But there are also days when I want to run away.

I want to go somewhere without checking my mother's doctor appointment schedule.

I want to go somewhere where we don't have to consider if my aunt can make the walk or if we need to bring her wheelchair.

There are days I feel put upon because I'm handling this primarily alone.

There are times I feel resentment.

Concern.

Frustration.

Anger.

And those feelings don't mean I love them any less.

They mean I'm telling myself the truth, in that moment.

The Lie of Being Saintly

Because if we aren't honest about the difficult moments, we can lose ourselves to the lie of being saintly.

Sometimes it's cleaning up urine from the side of her bed all the way through the bedroom, across the hallway through the bathroom to the toilet because she decided to go to bed without putting her adult diaper on.

There are days I think "my mom is being selfish" or inconsiderate or just isn't THINKing about my needs.

And it's likely true.

What I realize is my mother has learned the art of honoring her boundaries and saving herself! For as long as I can remember, she errs on the side of being 100% accountable for her happiness. And sometimes, that is gonna look selfish!

Honoring The Whole Reality

I believe it's much better if you can honor the whole reality of the experience. Do it without shame or guilt. Feeling something and acknowledging it is not the same as acting on it. And we need to stop acting like talking about those feelings is somehow wrong.

Somedays, caregiving feels heavy and I don't want to do it. And that makes the days that I do, the days we laugh about what goes on 'round here, that much more special because it's not selective.

It's the whole truth.

And in my experience, healing begins there.