Creating Your Own Closure: The Truth About Moving On

When a Relationship Ends, the Pain Can Be Overwhelming

Many people believe that in order to move on, they need to have one last conversation with their ex—a moment of "closure" to resolve lingering emotional issues, eliminate pain, or gain understanding. But what if I told you that the closure you're seeking won't be found in that conversation? Instead, the key to moving forward lies in the way you're communicating with yourself.

The Real Problem: Misdirected Communication

In the midst of heartache, it's common to communicate to yourself that your ex holds the power to make you feel better. You may believe that without their acknowledgment or explanation, you can't fully heal. This belief is not only misleading, it’s entirely false. By placing your emotional well-being in someone else's hands, you're reinforcing the idea that you can't move forward on your own. This mindset keeps you stuck, waiting for someone else to give you the peace you seek.

The Truth: You Hold the Power

It's time to start communicating a different message to yourself: I have what I need to move forward. This simple shift in perspective can be incredibly empowering. By taking responsibility for your own healing, you reclaim your power and stop relying on someone else for closure. This accountability is the key to moving forward.

Instead of seeking closure from your ex, ask yourself questions that put you back in control:

• How will I move forward and grow from this?

• What am I feeling now?

• How do I want to feel?

• What can I do to bridge the gap from where I am to where I want to be?

By asking these questions, you begin to reclaim your power and take responsibility for your healing. The truth is, you don't need anyone else to grant you closure. You have the strength and resources within you to create it for yourself.

The Path Forward: Aligning with Your Values

Here are three things I did to design closure for myself. I immersed myself in self-help books. Two early favorites were Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and Loving What Is by Byron Katie. These actions aligned with my value of growth and learning. Another thing I did was schedule a final appointment with the couples' therapist we had been going to, mostly together. It allowed me to ask questions, share issues, and “close the door” on the relationship—an action aligned with my need for resolution. Finally, I did fun stuff! For me, it was redecorating my office and building new bookcases, aligning with my goal of creating a joyful and renewed space.

By focusing on actions that align with your values, you’ll find the process of closure more fulfilling and authentic to you.

Trusting the Process

Healing after a breakup is a journey, and the way you communicate with yourself is a critical part of that process. But just as important is learning to trust yourself—and the process. I learned to trust that the steps I was taking, even small ones, were leading me to the healing I deserved. By trusting my decisions and my ability to create closure on my own, I was able to let go of the need for external validation.

The Bottom Line: Closure Is Yours to Create

Start telling yourself what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. You have everything you need to move forward. By embracing this mindset and trusting the process, you'll find that the closure you were seeking was always yours to create.